Banjara’s truth

I pick the pieces of broken glass embedded deep inside my soul. I try to heal the wounds the shards have left behind. I tell myself I am strong, I am a warrior, but this loser mentality does not abate.

This void is all encompassing and leaches away at my strength. How do I live I ask myself? Is this life? A constant struggle just to be normal, just to conform.

Be rich, be selfless, be successful, be generous, be thin, be buff, be famous, be kind, be violent, be patient, be virtuous, be vile, beguile and bewitch the senses with meaningless thoughts. Is that all that I can do in life?

There are no great battles to be fought, no dragons to be slayed, no princesses to be rescued. Such a mundane existence is to be pitied. I hear people say travel, find yourself, help others, leave a mark on society that will last generations. Who am I to be remembered for generations? I’m no Alexander, no Napoleon, no Odysseus. I am ME I tell myself. The one and only ME.

Who is this ME? Is he this ME who thinks or is he the one who thinks he thinks? Cogito ergo sum. What does that even mean? I think therefore I am confused. Wish I didn’t have to think. Thought generates apprehension which generates anxiety which generates fear.

Do I live in fear my whole life? Fear of missing out. Fear of not being good enough. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Who am I to be powerful beyond measure? I am no one. I am a snowflake in thousands and millions of other snowflakes. I am a special little snowflake I remind myself.

I am a Warrior. I do not survive , I thrive.


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